I was asked to give a talk a couple Sundays ago. I KNEW as soon as Elliott was called to be in the bishopric my days were numbered and of course I was the first person he asked to speak! I was overwhelmed by the response I got from baring my testimony, I don't know if we realize how rampant faith crisis's are and how they are effecting so many people and families. I wish there was space at church for those struggling with testimony, and way for them to know that they are still wanted there. We want them and need them. I wanted to share it here so I can remember what this time felt like.
I wanted to end my talk by baring my testimony. I've been debating how vulnerable I wanted to be here because I haven't born my testimony in a few years and the reason for that is because I lost my testimony, at least a significant portion of it. Faith crisis seems to be the new cool term to call it but I can guarantee there isn't one thing cool about it, it's earth shattering and completely devastating. When the church released their historical essays there was a bit of a buzz about them so I read them and one of them hit me weird and in an effort to better understand what I read I went down a pretty dark rabbit hole. When the church is the lens through which you see the world and everything in it and that lens shatters it's an extremely unsettling and dark place to be.
I was very blessed to have a husband who so patient with me and trusted that I would get things figured out, but even with that I felt an enormous amount of shame and guilt. Shame because I knew what I thought of those who lost their testimony, my assumptions about what they were or weren't doing with their lives because clearly if they would just follow these checklist items and not stray away from those there would never be a problem.
I felt guilt because I think my parents one primary goal in this life is for their kids to end up in the celestial kingdom and I would be robbing them of that. Guilt because of my many ancestors who left their countries, and walked across the plains one even loosing her life because of their faith and their testimony in this gospel. Who am I to walk away from something that so many have sacrificed so much for?
So I decided to fight for it, and I can assure you it wasn't easy. It was painful. It felt much easier to put all the broken pieces in a box and walk away. The task of untangling everything felt insurmountable. I felt like a fraud coming to church and wondered if these people really knew how broken my heart is, how desperately I want this to all my sense but I am so confused if they would even want me there. It sometimes feels like your testimony has to be a solid 10 in order for you to walk in those doors or have a place among this community.
I had always pictured my testimony like pillars. Each principle or concept was it's own pillar upon that was the foundation with which I based my entire life and decisions on, when that crumbled it felt impossible to rebuild. I was forced to re-imagine my testimony. Now it looks a bit like a wagon wheel... kinda... but right in the center is the savior and from him extend like spokes on a wagon wheel the different principles I believe in. Some spokes are strong and solid, some aren't and some aren't even there. But putting Christ in the center has made all the difference and has given me purpose and has been reason for staying. Each principle is not mutually exclusive but must extend from the Savior. I don't know all the answers, but I know I'm supposed to be here and when I come to church I can find him here.
I know that he died for us and made it possible for each of us to get back to our heavenly parents. I know that they and our ancestors are rooting us on from the other side and I know that, because I felt that throughout my entire life. Even during this really dark time, where I felt like I was praying and pleading for answers that just weren't coming I did feel this reassurance that it was okay. Keep pushing. You're okay, I got you. I am thankful for this gospel I am thankful for the peace and the joy it gives me and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
I wanted to end my talk by baring my testimony. I've been debating how vulnerable I wanted to be here because I haven't born my testimony in a few years and the reason for that is because I lost my testimony, at least a significant portion of it. Faith crisis seems to be the new cool term to call it but I can guarantee there isn't one thing cool about it, it's earth shattering and completely devastating. When the church released their historical essays there was a bit of a buzz about them so I read them and one of them hit me weird and in an effort to better understand what I read I went down a pretty dark rabbit hole. When the church is the lens through which you see the world and everything in it and that lens shatters it's an extremely unsettling and dark place to be.
I was very blessed to have a husband who so patient with me and trusted that I would get things figured out, but even with that I felt an enormous amount of shame and guilt. Shame because I knew what I thought of those who lost their testimony, my assumptions about what they were or weren't doing with their lives because clearly if they would just follow these checklist items and not stray away from those there would never be a problem.
I felt guilt because I think my parents one primary goal in this life is for their kids to end up in the celestial kingdom and I would be robbing them of that. Guilt because of my many ancestors who left their countries, and walked across the plains one even loosing her life because of their faith and their testimony in this gospel. Who am I to walk away from something that so many have sacrificed so much for?
So I decided to fight for it, and I can assure you it wasn't easy. It was painful. It felt much easier to put all the broken pieces in a box and walk away. The task of untangling everything felt insurmountable. I felt like a fraud coming to church and wondered if these people really knew how broken my heart is, how desperately I want this to all my sense but I am so confused if they would even want me there. It sometimes feels like your testimony has to be a solid 10 in order for you to walk in those doors or have a place among this community.
I had always pictured my testimony like pillars. Each principle or concept was it's own pillar upon that was the foundation with which I based my entire life and decisions on, when that crumbled it felt impossible to rebuild. I was forced to re-imagine my testimony. Now it looks a bit like a wagon wheel... kinda... but right in the center is the savior and from him extend like spokes on a wagon wheel the different principles I believe in. Some spokes are strong and solid, some aren't and some aren't even there. But putting Christ in the center has made all the difference and has given me purpose and has been reason for staying. Each principle is not mutually exclusive but must extend from the Savior. I don't know all the answers, but I know I'm supposed to be here and when I come to church I can find him here.
I know that he died for us and made it possible for each of us to get back to our heavenly parents. I know that they and our ancestors are rooting us on from the other side and I know that, because I felt that throughout my entire life. Even during this really dark time, where I felt like I was praying and pleading for answers that just weren't coming I did feel this reassurance that it was okay. Keep pushing. You're okay, I got you. I am thankful for this gospel I am thankful for the peace and the joy it gives me and I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Comments